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For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.”
-Psalm 139:13-15 ESV
Self examination is a big part of my personality. I’m not sure if it came from the many times I’ve been rejected in life or the fact that my mom always found ways to encourage my improvement (research internal dialogue and how outside influences affect it). Either way, I became one who’d sit in a corner and examine my life, actions and words with a fine tooth comb. I didn’t always find my faults by the way, sometimes it wasn’t until long after I was removed from a certain situation that I was able to see how wrong I was.
Sometimes this habit was a good tool, and other times it wasn’t healthy. Sometimes my internal dialogue could be quite mean. If you can imagine what an army sergeant might sound like, sometimes thats me. I realized at some point that wasn’t the most inspiring voice. I had to change that voice to something more motivating. Maybe that method works for some people, but I learned it was much better to come from a place of love and encouragement.
I have so many questions. But I always do. In the past, I’ve always tried to rush every stage of my life (I finished college in three years and I took two “light” semesters). I catch myself focusing on the destination and getting there as quickly as possible. This must be another reason time is so valuable to me and I could rarely ever justify “kicking it”.
In all this, I realized something integral to my existence. I connect my self-worth with what I do. I attach my worth to what I produce. If I’m not doing anything I deem meaningful I feel lost. I’ve also learned from past ventures that even if I’m doing something “good” it matters not if my heart isn’t right. Sometimes my questions waste time, and keep me from progressing. But other times my questions have helped me to learn so much.
My worth and my value isn’t in how generous I am. It isn’t measured by the works of my hands. Because before I donated any of my money, time or ideas; before I gave my love and passion to anyone or anything; before I decided that I was only as good as my efforts, God died for me. Before I accomplished any goal, before I took my first breath, before I inspired a smile on any face or warmth in any heart God thought I was worth EVERYTHING He had to give. My worth shall not be connected to anything other than what my heavenly Father says it is.
People use works as a way to try an earn salvation; to feel good about themselves; to get recognition; to try to earn love and so much more. Whatever the case may be, I now know that if I don’t do anything in this world, (not that I wont) God would still love me and He would still view me worth His life.
“He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit”
THREE QUESTIONS TO THINK ABOUT
- What does your internal dialogue sound like?
- What do you attach your self-view/self-worth to?
- Do you value self-evaluation? If so, what does that look like to you; how do you go about it?
AN INTERESTING GOOGLE SEARCH ON INTERNAL DIALOGUE CLICK HERE.