Our Interactions and What They Reveal

Recently I had an argument with a friend, someone I connect with on the basis that we share similar interest. As we were having the argument, and I was trying to explain my point of view and what I meant by actions rather than what was perceived, I was reminded of some things.

How painful it is to be misunderstood. Growing up I was often misunderstood and I hated it! I was naturally empathetic and didn’t understand that because I am, doesn’t mean everyone else is.

I’m reminded of a much older gentlemen who found me on Facebook a few years back. He liked the humanitarian in me and we began to connect on our mutual love of community involvement and wisdom. We’d converse on these topics and everything was cool, but when he’d mention making me his “heir” or that he was the most high god, we’d argue. I’d tell him his words were blasphemous and he’d get heated and we’d end up hanging up on one another. I’d block him, and it would be months before we’d speak again. I never intend to completely dismiss a person; I’m not 100% sure why that is or what combination of things contributes to it (that would be an interesting exploration). He was a wise man in ways. He was alone and deteriorating, by his own admission. I suppose I never really considered his mortality. I saw a man who used to be a pastor. A man who said his family had ostracized him because of his views. I saw a person, who loved ppl, who was needy in ways, who was arrogant in ways, misguided, and like everyone else needed a friend. I could at least do that. But when we argued, I never thought about love or how Jesus would respond. Never thought about the easy friendships I have with others who don’t share my same spiritual views. I just thought about how wrong he was, how I felt he snuck his views on me. It wasn’t a basis of our friendship. It never occurred to me that maybe he wasn’t extremely forthcoming because he was afraid I’d ostracize him as well.  It never occurred to me that I could’ve been and should’ve been better to him until I went online recently and noticed he had died. And now I think of all the possible conversations we could’ve had. How I could’ve responded instead of how I did. How I could’ve been more compassionate, instead I was judgemental.

When you delve into the actions and decisions you make and you find what they mean, how they affect others; how they translate to others on a surface level, it can be discouraging. But when you dig deeper and you think about what those decisions reflect about you, inwardly, that can be even more damning. Once you start to pick apart yourself, your beliefs, thoughts, actions; what they mean; how and why they came about; it can be discouraging or disappointing. As someone who strives to be sincere, strives to be accepting, understanding and loving I realize there were are times I missed the mark. And either you hit it or you don’t. There aren’t any in betweens.

Sometimes you look in the mirror and you don’t like what you see. But it’s important that you keep looking until you love it. Yes, as humans we are forever works in progress, forever learning. Some lessons are more expensive than others. I hate learning at the expense of others. Once I recognize it, I try not to pay for it again.

Though we know stretching can be painful, it’s necessary for growth. Situations, relationships and experiences we find ourselves in are often a representation of ourselves. Something we need to learn. Something that needs to be revealed. A prompting for rising. Let’s get to the root.

Happy Journeying!

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Beautiful. SINGLE. Woman.

single-woman

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I have some pretty awesome women in my family and many of them aren’t married. And since many young girls are groomed to desire marriage and family, I’ve feared having the same fate. Being alone. Its funny, cause as I look at the beautiful unmarried women in my family, they are anything but alone. But often, women are made to feel alone, or lacking if they aren’t married and don’t have children.

But any awesome woman, who is unmarried is in many ways exercising choice. Their are plenty of options for them I’m sure, but many women would rather be alone then be with a man who doesn’t meet at least their minimum standards. And it seems the men who don’t meet these standards are abundant.

Among other things, the fact that women outnumber men has caused a great shift in dating. Either men are oblivious or they have just become accustomed to being a rare “hot” commodity, if you will. There are many women, who fear being alone. Many women who don’t feel whole or complete without the accompaniment of a man. Many women hoping to validate their worth or complete their “perfect” picture through a relationship. Some times it seems the popular suggestion is that a women isn’t a women if she doesn’t have a man and a family.

I’m sure their are really good men out there. Men who know how to treat and love a woman. Men who will selflessly care for a woman. Men who respect and value women. However, there are so many men who either have abandoned this notion, or maybe have never been taught how in the first place. Maybe its a combination of their past hurts and their dealings with women who are so desperate for love, that they teach them to devalue women. Maybe there is just as much euphoria that comes with being chased by a woman as their is when finally catching up with the man of your delusional dreams. Either way, somehow the tables have drastically turned and it can be scary.

I’ve been single since college, and that has been 7 years. Since then there have only been two men, really 1 that I would’ve heavily considered. One of those men, I later found is next to worthless, being that he is now engaged yet be trying to hit my phone like he crazy. The thought of being the fiance’ to a man who will attempt to connect with other women is sort of unsettling.

I’d rather be alone, than to be with a man the belongs to plenty of other women. I’d rather be alone than to be with a man that doesn’t value me, or that doesn’t know how to value me. Somethings are teachable, but some things are completely self-explanatory. I’d rather be alone than to be with a man who doesn’t respect me. I’d rather be alone than be with a man who doesn’t love me selflessly. I will selflessly love, respect and value him all the same.

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Personal Growth Journal 1: 90 day challenge check in

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The first week of the year has been, progressive. I can see my growth and that feels great. I can identify where I need to make improvements and I know that I’m more than capable of making those improvements. I’ve decided the first 90 days I will not eat any deliberate sugar and I’ll write 15 minutes each day.

The first two days I did eat sugar, but I’m happy to say since then the only sugar I’ve consumed has come from fruit or coffee creamer. I’m progressively getting better with this no sugar thing. That is amazingly encouraging. Moving forward, I’m not going to drink anymore coffee with creamer. Yesterday I had two expresso shots from Starbucks straight. So if I decide to consume caffeine, I’ll have to find ways to do it without added sugar. Cakes and other obvious sweets haven’t been as hard as I thought. I’m a sweets fanatic so I’m a little surprised at how easy it has been. Out of sight, out of mind. I avoid places where I may be tempted to purchase or eat these things. I even have turned down FREE cake! To be fair, it was king cake and I’m not a big fan. But I did turn down Krispy Kreme Donuts and I do like those. I haven’t had a soda in 9 days! I have been drinking water with no calorie sweetener. After a while, I’ll stop using it as well. I’ve already started. I’m so excited! Progress gives momentum.

Writing for 15 minutes a day hasn’t been as successful. One day last week I let 3 days pile up and ended up writing over an hour. I’m not complaining, cause it was an amazing writing session and I didn’t want to stop but I had to go to sleep. That was an amazing feeling though. This week I actually let 5 days go. I may implement writing muliple times a day. If I’m in a waiting room, instead of looking on facebook, I can get 10 minutes of writing in. I tried that this week at a restaurent. It worked well. I enjoy writing, for some reason it feels great. 

Recently I signed up for a lot of ventures. All things I want for one reason or another. yesterday, as my head felt like it was about to explode, I decided to shift my focus. I decided instead of feeling overwhelmed, instead of thinking about how I feel and why I can’t do something, I’ll think about the many wonderful reasons why I should. Instead of saying, “I got too much going on”, I’ll say, “I have to generate and maintain better focus.” Stop blaming my lack of handling task well on the task on my action.

Let me geek out for a second, self-reflection, gaining revealation, insight and growth is exciting. It makes me happy! I just started a class that goes through John Maxwell’s “Today Matters” and discusses different points in the book. I’m GEEKED UP!

Anyway, have a great day! Love you, always.

Amazing Love: the Kind That Makes Time Still

Click for audio version.

https://m.soundcloud.com/shera-phillips-1/amazing-love-the-kind-that

Love, one of the essential parts of life. Most everyone needs to love and to be loved. I’ve wanted to love and be loved ever since I could remember. I’m sure it can’t be normal for little girls to dream of getting married, right? I’ve always wanted to be married and thought it would have occurred by now. Life, has a way of showing us something completely different from what we want or expect.

Love for me has been elusive. Always right beyond my grasp. I want the spark. I want the fire. I want the best friend. The one I can be exactly who I am around. No judgement, all acceptance. Someone who can tell me their deepest and innermost thoughts unafraid, because they know I’ll love them regardless. We can joke about dirty underwear and be weird and awkward.

They say the mutual spark thing only occurs rarely. That mostly one feels much more intensely than the other. This has probably been the case for me a few times. It’s so weird to me, because I don’t understand how one person can feel so strongly a connection that’s merely one-sided. And if what I’ve read is true, then what is the likelihood that I’ll meet someone at the right time, and they’ll feel exactly the same as I do? Someone who is just as excited to be with me as I am to be with them.

This raises so many questions. I’d love to develop a friendship and mutual respect first. And I realize that most of my choices in love were caused by things deep within, things that needed to be dealt with. And that even being aware that these things exist isn’t enough to change a course of action.

But this thing we call chemistry, this chemical reaction one has to another, what is it? In my case it isn’t just a physical thing. There are many factors that are more than physical that cause a biological reaction to occur within me. Intelligence, ambition, drive and compassion tend to be among the list of prerequisites. How is a person physically attracted to things that can’t be seen?

The last time my heart was shattered, it took roughly 3-5 years to overcome it. I spend much time in retrospect, which I’m sure prolongs the process. I hope, I’m able to bounce back faster this time. And even more-so than that, I hope I can learn how to allow God to be the center of my next and hopefully final relationship.

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New Habits- 90 Day Challenge

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Last year was pretty fulfilling in many ways. I saw many of my goals be met and exceeded. I learned and experienced a lot. While each day I generally have the same goal (jn addition to my other goals), to be better than I was the day before. While I still will spend time in prayer seeking what my goals should be for this year, I do have something specific that I want to accomplish.

Remember ye not the former things,
neither consider the things of old.
Behold, I will do a new thing;
now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it?
I will even make a way in the wilderness,
and rivers in the desert.    – Isaiah 43:18-19

Where people are in life has a great deal to do with their decisions. Many of our decisions are made unconsciously through habit and underlying beliefs. With that being understood, there are some habits I have that I want to crucify and I plan to focus on eliminating bad habits and cultivating new, fruitful habits.

I was inspired by watching a video on Facebook. A young asian girl recorded herself learning to dance over 100 days. I went on to watch a few more of the same type of videos, people learning a new habit or skill over the course of 100 days.

I’m going to make two commitments over the course of 90 days and I will chart the experience through writing, video journaling. I’ll call it the 90 day challenge.

Two habits and 90 days will allow me to pick up 8 new habits this year and still have 5 days off.

Starting on January 2, 2018 I will not consume any sugar and I’ll write everyday for 15 minutes. I’ve been striving for these two habits for a long time. I’m ready to start.

No sugar for more specifically means:

  1. No soda
  2. No cakes, pies or ice-cream

This excludes any fruit and I’ll start using some types of artificial flavor, but eventually none of that either.

Writing everyday will hopefully occur in the morning, but experience has taught me that sometimes that doesn’t happen. I like writing all times of the day and night. I can’t wait to make writing an everyday habit without any exceptions.

90 days, NO DAYS OFF! Let’s get it! I welcome you to join me and if you care to share, I’m interested to hear/read what habits you’d like to cultivate.

To my loves, I hope you enjoyed your family time/time off and that this year you’ll see new heights in your professional, personal, financial and spiritual relationship with God.

I’d love to hear from you!

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He changed my heart

 

I’ve always considered myself Christian, even before actually having a unique encounter with God which caused me to change my entire perspective on everything. I grew up in the church and most of all my values aligned with Christian doctrine, whether I abided by them or not. My mother had a great deal of influence on me and though I recognize that my admiration for her won’t let me regret it.

When I was in elementary school, I was often teased and bullied. I’d ask my mom how to respond and she always said, “pray for them”. This was frustrating as a child. I didn’t see how praying for someone would stop them from hurting me. She taught me to treat others how I wanted to be treated, regardless of how they treated me. While this could be hard to learn, I still subscribe to this ideology. I sought to understand others and compassion helped me to forgive easily. Maybe I should say let go instead of forgive. I think there’s a difference. When you let go, you acknowledge (within yourself) that someone hurt you and rather than deal with it, you let it go and pretend like it was nothing in effort to move past it. This habit ensued avoiding confrontation but also caused me to harbor discomforting feelings subconsciously.

Before my encounter with God, I tried to treat others the way I wanted to be treated regardless of how they treated me.  I “let go” of things people did and said to me easily. Much of this was motivated by my desire to be accepted. After years of this I realized it wasn’t working for me. It led to depression and I think may have even contributed to a subpar self-view.

Since becoming a true follower of Christ I’ve learned a few truths that have empowered me to truly live joyously in spite of undesired circumstances.

  1. Give without expected anything in return. Often, I tried to be “nice” or “friendly” but why? Is our generosity linked to what we expect to receive back? I used to be puzzled wondering how I could be so good to others only to have them stab me in my back. With this new perception, I give what I can because I truly want to, because I’d want it to be given to me and because it is what Jesus would do. I have no expectations of the person on the receiving end.
  1. Someone’s blatant rejection of me isn’t a reflection of me but of them. This truth is liberating. There were people who rejected the Truth because they felt it threatened their popularity and livelihood. People will reject me for reasons I’ll never know. What’s for me, is for me.
  1. One of the most important things, it ain’t about you! We get boggled down in depression when our worldview is centered around us. What we don’t have, what we can’t do, what others have done to us, what others have in comparison to us. The quicker I learned how selfish it was of me to sulk in other’s wrong doing against me, the quicker I was able to get up out that sunken place. I had to shift my focus.

An actual encounter with God will challenge everything you thought you knew. God had to change my heart. And He’s still working on me! Which of these three truths resonated with you most?

“Happy Birthday Mom” From the Backseat of a Police Vehicle

IMG_1285For audio version click here.

Have you ever had to tell your Mom Happy Birthday from the back of a police vehicle, well this week a year ago ushered me into a new awareness.  

 I’d been living in Louisiana for the past two years and you can bet every holiday I was clicking my heels together three times. Home is where the heart is and you can bet there’s no place like it.  

 Last year, I had the privilege of co-coaching and ultimately inheriting my school’s cheerleading team. Though I had plans to drive home immediately after school let out for Thanksgiving break, when they asked to cheer at an off-season playoff game, I couldn’t disappoint.  

 That cold Saturday morning (my Mother’s birthday), instead of packing and heading on my 6 hour drive to North Mississippi, I was making my way to a middle school football game. 

 Let’s just say, I got a late start. I like to “surprise” my family when I come home, so often I tell them I’m leaving the day after I actually leave. Their look of surprise is priceless and grandma likes to fuss about me driving at night. Well, this time, they learned I was in town when they had to pick up my car, because I was indeed being arrested.  

 I was less than 30 minutes from home, about 11:00 pm, I elected to pass two slowly moving vehicles. I made sure I was in a passing zone and I went for it. As soon as I did, I saw the familiar flashing lights behind me. Immediately I called my cousin to let him know my whereabouts and situation. As I looked for a place to pull over all I saw was an extremely narrow highway with no shoulder and extreme darkness. I was traveling alone and this isn’t the best area to be black, female and alone in the dark.  

IMG_1280_FotorActual picture from the same highway in Mississippi. There is no shoulder and no lights.

 Let me give you just a bit of the history of this area. It has a large population of “Klan” members, “skin heads” and “white supremacists”. They pass out flyers for recruitment and are often on the news for their antics. Not only that but a couple years prior, there was an officer impersonator in this very area pulling people over and killing them.  

 With this foreknowledge I elected to do what I always had been told was a perfectly legal thing, drive slowly until you reach a well-lit, populated area. I hung up with my cousin and called dispatch. By this time, the officer was growing more impatient, as he had now turned on his siren and began speaking to me over the intercom.  

 “911” 

 “Yes, there’s an officer behind me, can you let him know I am going to pull over. I’m looking for a safe place.” 

 She relayed the message and I could hear him telling her to tell me to pull over now.  

 “Tell him, I’m alone and it’s dark and I’ll be pulling over when we reach a lit, populated area.” 

 Ten minutes later, still on the phone with dispatch, we reached the only lit and populated area within a 15 mile radius. I stopped. The officer aggressively approached me with a drawn handgun. This was when I realized how “serious” the matter had become.  

 He couldn’t tell me how fast I was driving, only that I was speeding. At this point my uncle had called his friend, a deputy, and asked if he could help. This white officer began arresting me, after I had explained to him my intention. There were two other black officers, my uncle’s friend looked at me as if his hands were tied. The other, proceeded to tell me how wrong I was for driving until we reached the store.  

“Have I done something wrong?” I asked.

“No” he replied.

 “Are you upset?” I asked the officer as he was apparently in his feelings. (An idiom that means his was highly annoyed or irritated.) 

 “Yes, I am.” Was his reply. 

 He was highly annoyed that I didn’t pull over faster.  

 “If I were your daughter, would you have wanted me to pull over?” I asked. 

 He replied in the affirmative. This uncultured, uneducated, oblivious officer was arresting me for failure to stop, though I did stop. I do believe if he had a black daughter, he wouldn’t have wanted her to stop in a dark, secluded area, especially knowing what could possibly take place. 

 My Mom came and I gave her my keys. As she was standing beside the backseat of the deputy pick-up, I wanted to say, “Happy birthday Mom” but couldn’t bring myself to say it.  

 On the way to the county jail the officer informs me that his Aunt went to Jackson State (an HBCU) and that the Judge would likely throw out the “failure to stop” ticket.  

 Once I arrived at the jail, I was stripped of my clothes, asked to squat and cough. This process was dehumanizing to say the least.  The other women officers there, black and white, both said they would’ve done the same and they proceeded to tell me, “he is a good one”. They were trying to say he isn’t racist. This is a thing in this area, as many of the elected officials are rumored to be Klansmen.  

 Ultimately he charged me with reckless driving, I think largely because he had no idea how fast I was driving and failure to stop. My Mom and my Niece bailed me out around 3:00 am and we went home.  

 I sought council and was advised to take research with me to court and that the ticket would be thrown out. I had transcripts from the dispatch showing that I called and remained on the phone with dispatch throughout the duration of the stop, I had articles detailing killings in the area by an officer impersonator and information advising citizens to stop in safe areas.  

 Ultimately the white judge was unable to understand my fear of stopping and the charges stood. I felt helpless. There was nothing I could do. I had faith in the judicial system and was more than disappointed. The consequence was two misdemeanors and a $1000+ in fines. 

 I know my situation could have been worse. I know of many other instances where women were raped, violated, injured or killed. These public servants have sworn to protect and serve, and my question is:  

  1. Who/what are you protecting? 
  2. Who are you serving? 

 I know not all officers and not all judges are the same, but indeed many of them are, too many.  

 I asked myself many times, should you have just stopped? Were you just trying to be difficult? 

Regardless of the answer to those questions, a black person has great reason to fear civil servants who display the ability to deescalate armed and ferocious white men, but tend to immediately shoot unarmed black men.  

Only when our communities gain awareness and connection, only when a white man can look at a black man and see his brother, only when a white person seeks to understand, learn of and is immersed in the black experience will progress be made.  

It is our similarities and not our differences that remind us of our humanity and that is what the elite fears. 

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A Defining Moment: Racism and Double Consciousness

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My mother and I at one of our favorite spots.

Being young, black and southern must be synonymous with experiences of discrimination, fear and hatred. Show me a young, black southerner who hasn’t had to deal with direct racism and I’ll show you a severely unaware individual.

With that being said, one of my earliest memories of racism came Halloween 1997. My mom had allowed me to go trick or treating with some kids who lived in a local housing project. My mother had taught the girl and she was close to my age.

In our small town America, (voted best small town to visit btw) has always been and still is divided by a railroad. For their reasons, white people prefer to live separate from us. And even when black doctors and judges moved into their neighborhoods, they either move, or erect an enormous, thick cinderblock wall to serve as a fence.

My mother had dropped me off with this girl, her mother and a few other children. Her mother had said we were going trick or treating on the “other” side of town, noting that they had “better” candy; however, I’m sure there was a thought about it possibly being safer as well.

Smile BIG!

We stopped at an apartment building really close to Delta State University. Our small group walked up to this door and knocked. An old white, lady with grey hair opened the door. When she saw us, her mouth gapped open and she began throwing candy at us. She yelled, “yall are not supposed to be over here!” Then, somehow she noticed me. A little fair-skinned (I was much lighter when I was younger) girl with long, wavy hair (likely from my mother’s long “dookey” braids) and she paused for a moment. She gave a sort of blank stare, and slammed the door shut.

LOVE THAT SWEATSHIRT!

This was one of the first moments that I realized how deep and serious this divid really was. It made me wonder. Why did she hate us so much? Was she scared? If so, why? We were just children hunting for candy. We weren’t trying to harm or scare anyone. This was when I started to realize that not all black children had the same experience. A part of me wondered why she paused and stared at me, before forcefully shutting her door.

This was a defining moment. It was when I began to realize I must be aware of my surroundings. I must be aware of myself, and how others may perceive me. As a 7 year old, I must prove that there is nothing to be afraid of. #doubleconsciousness

Self Work, Self Worth and Internal Dialogue

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For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.”

                               -Psalm 139:13-15 ESV

Self examination is a big part of my personality. I’m not sure if it came from the many times I’ve been rejected in life or the fact that my mom always found ways to encourage my improvement (research internal dialogue and how outside influences affect it). Either way, I became one who’d sit in a corner and examine my life, actions and words with a fine tooth comb. I didn’t always find my faults by the way, sometimes it wasn’t until long after I was removed from a certain situation that I was able to see how wrong I was.

Sometimes this habit was a good tool, and other times it wasn’t healthy. Sometimes my internal dialogue could be quite mean. If you can imagine what an army sergeant might sound like, sometimes thats me. I realized at some point that wasn’t the most inspiring voice. I had to change that voice to something more motivating. Maybe that method works for some people, but I learned it was much better to come from a place of love and encouragement.

I have so many questions. But I always do. In the past, I’ve always tried to rush every stage of my life (I finished college in three years and I took two “light” semesters). I catch myself focusing on the destination and getting there as quickly as possible. This must be  another reason time is so valuable to me and I could rarely ever justify “kicking it”.

In all this, I realized something integral to my existence. I connect my self-worth with what I do. I attach my worth to what I produce. If I’m not doing anything I deem meaningful I feel lost. I’ve also learned from past ventures that even if I’m doing something “good” it matters not if my heart isn’t right. Sometimes my questions waste time, and keep me from progressing. But other times my questions have helped me to learn so much.

My worth and my value isn’t in how generous I am. It isn’t measured by the works of my hands. Because before I donated any of my money, time or ideas; before I gave my love and passion to anyone or anything; before I decided that I was only as good as my efforts, God died for me. Before I accomplished any goal, before I took my first breath, before I inspired a smile on any face or warmth in any heart God thought I was worth EVERYTHING He had to give. My worth shall not be connected to anything other than what my heavenly Father says it is.

People use works as a way to try an earn salvation; to feel good about themselves; to get recognition; to try to earn love and so much more. Whatever the case may be, I now know that if I don’t do anything in this world, (not that I wont) God would still love me and He would still view me worth His life.

“He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit”

                              -Titus 3:5

THREE QUESTIONS TO THINK ABOUT

  1. What does your internal dialogue sound like?
  2. What do you attach your self-view/self-worth to?
  3. Do you value self-evaluation? If so, what does that look like to you; how do you go about it?

AN INTERESTING GOOGLE SEARCH ON INTERNAL DIALOGUE CLICK HERE.

Be anxious for nothing?

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 “Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

                                                       -Matthew 6:26

This past week felt like almost a total loss. I barely got anything accomplished. For some reason, early this week all of my motivation was gone. I didn’t want to do anything accept eat(a lot), sleep (a lot) and pray.

It wasn’t good for my mental, physical, emotional or spiritual health. Not getting things done negatively affects my mood. And not being purposeful with my time and decisions, this week drove me deeper into this stump.

I believe I was instructed to stop teaching, but when I asked God, “What do you want me to do?” I always felt writing is what I’m supposed to be doing in this season. But this presents me with a couple issues:

  1. Write what? I write poems/spoken-word, lyrics, stage-plays, screenplays, articles, presentations and I’ve been flirting with the notion of writing a book.  So, with that being understood, there must be some focus and direction here, right? I kinda need to know what I’m writing. Or do I need to just write for a few hours a day and see where He takes me?
  2. Though, I’ve saved up some money, I need to be replenishing what I spend at least at the same rate of my expenditure. When I looked at my income recently, I was quite shocked at what I counted. God has been continually blessing me, it’s only been a couple months but I’ve been receiving enough funds to pay my necessary bills and I haven’t had to tap into my savings at all (This alone is more than enough reason for a praise break!). I’ve received random checks and people always find something they want to pay me to do like marketing, designing, speaking, trainings, singing, acting etc (and I’m happy to do it and give it my all from a genuine place). I have been helping businesses market their products and services, and implement best practices within their infrastructure. Often, business owners are too overwhelmed to do their own marketing and an outside perspective can help them to reach their internal goals. With all that beautiful stuff I just noted, I’ve been experiencing anxiety surrounding not having a “job”. I’m sure this has contributed to my recent stand still. This reminds me of the Hebrews wondering through the wilderness. God was providing them with manna from heaven. He told them not to take more than they needed, that He’d provide them manna in the morning and quail in the eve. Though they saw He was making provisions for them, they were still afraid to go hungry. Check the 16th chapter of Exodus. My plan was to spend my time helping my mother grow her business, developing my own personal wealth (my intellectual property and business) and doing whatever it is the Lord leads me to.

I know the things I want to accomplish are great, but I know it has to be tackled bit by bit. I must prioritize, focus and commit. But more than that, I know I must change my thoughts, to the thoughts God has towards me. A daily dose of reading and meditation is in order.

Me, recently at my grandfather’s funeral in Chulahoma, MS.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.”

                               – Phil 4:8-9

I just want to be sure I’m in God’s Will for this set time in my life. I know how important it is and what happens when I’m not led by the Spirit. I know I can end up in the middle of nowhere. I also know, I won’t be happier doing anything other than what I was created to do.

Cultivating a habit of writing everyday is slick intimidating. Though I enjoy writing, I’ve yet to see myself be consistent in any area of my life, even when I know the benefits. Pray for me and I’ll do the same for you.